Kirk Sandblaster: Space Adventurer (Part 11)

(Welcome to the ongoing serialisation of Kirk Sandblaster: Space Adventurer, the first in the Kirk Sandblaster series of sci-fi comedy books. In these tales, we follow cock-sure Kirk Sandblaster as he travel the Universe looking for adventure with his alien side-kick, Xlaar.

You can buy the whole book – and the series so far – through AmazonLulu – OJ)

 

For your average space traveller, asteroid fields were not the ideal of flying locations. At best, they were filled with gritty irritants that clogged your sploders and other such points of entry. It was like sand on Earth, with little bits of debris finding its way into your pants, sandwiches, and even your lodgings weeks after the event.

At worst they were filled with colossal chunks of rock that, depending on the gravitational pull, would crush a vessel as flat as a very flat thing. Think of something very flat, virtually two-dimensional, and it would be even flatter than that. Continue reading Kirk Sandblaster: Space Adventurer (Part 11)

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Kirk Sandblaster: Space Adventurer (Part 10)

(Welcome to the ongoing serialisation of Kirk Sandblaster: Space Adventurer, the first in the Kirk Sandblaster series of sci-fi comedy books. In these tales, we follow cock-sure Kirk Sandblaster as he travel the Universe looking for adventure with his alien side-kick, Xlaar.

You can buy the whole book – and the series so far – through AmazonLulu – OJ)

 

 

“And that’s the ring-a-ding tale of how I came to be on this fine vessel!” Navi announced, to disinterested silence.

Everyone, including the crew of the Ghurian ship, stood in silence, waiting for Navi to continue. But after a few, rather awkward moments, the Bounty’s computer had stayed silent.

“Is end?” The Ghurians asked over the intercom.

Sandblaster and Xlaar didn’t want to say anything for certain, but they had a feeling it was. Quietly, they nodded to each other and Sandblaster moved toward the intercom and went to speak.

“I think…”

“And now the thrill-a-minute bit when they went looking for the treasure!”

“Ooh I like this bit.” Sandblaster cooed as Xlaar lost his temper again and slammed his fists against the Bounty’s walls. While the adventurous Sandblaster made himself comfortable again, the Zaarian went to the rear of the ship. He was tired of all this now, and thought this was a good a time as any to catch some rest. Continue reading Kirk Sandblaster: Space Adventurer (Part 10)

Kirk Sandblaster: Space Adventurer (Part 9)

(Welcome to the ongoing serialisation of Kirk Sandblaster: Space Adventurer, the first in the Kirk Sandblaster series of sci-fi comedy books. In these tales, we follow cock-sure Kirk Sandblaster as he travel the Universe looking for adventure with his alien side-kick, Xlaar.

You can buy the whole book – and the series so far – through AmazonLulu – OJ)

 

After a good old-fashioned once-over with the map, Sandblaster and Xlaar found the place they were looking for was on the other side of the planet Nazia. Luckily, inter-planet travel had improved since the creation of trans-warping, despite the difficult early stages of development.

It all started when the governing body of Universia was inspired by early Earth science fiction. Seeing shows that presented quick and easy travel via teleportation, the tech-savvy Martians were hired to create a similar sort of device. However, due to the expanding culture that the Universe was granting, Universia found cheaper labour in the far-flung planet of Diana. It’s natives, a Neanderthal-like race of hairless humanoids, would work for forgotten promises rather than actual cash, thus making sure they secured the contract to build the trans-warpers.

However, while the Xdians were industrious, they were as intelligent as a pile of moon rocks. Continue reading Kirk Sandblaster: Space Adventurer (Part 9)

Kirk Sandblaster: Space Adventurer (Part 8)

(Welcome to the ongoing serialisation of Kirk Sandblaster: Space Adventurer, the first in the Kirk Sandblaster series of sci-fi comedy books. In these tales, we follow cock-sure Kirk Sandblaster as he travel the Universe looking for adventure with his alien side-kick, Xlaar.

You can buy the whole book – and the series so far – through AmazonLulu – OJ)

 

“So long did you float for?” The Ghurian’s asked, still so enthralled by the whole thing, that they had forgotten about the light issue of chasing Sandblaster for his wares.

“Who knows my nefarious chums!” Sandblaster answered with a dashing adjustment of his finely quiffed hair. “All I know is that it gave me and Xlaar some valuable time to get to know each other. I learnt of his rich, Zaarian heritage, one filled with the positive attributes you need in a loyal co-pilot. Integrity. Virtue. Other words that give you the feeling that this multi-limbed alien being is A-Ok.”

Sandblaster rose from his chair and stood by his co-pilot’s side while he tinkered away with various controls. It was all a vain attempt to trick the Ghurian’s pursuit and get them off their tale, but both they and Sandblaster were enjoying Navi’s tale too much to actually make it easy.

That, and the tethering technology they had latched on during the whole rambling saga. Continue reading Kirk Sandblaster: Space Adventurer (Part 8)

Kirk Sandblaster: Space Adventurer (Part 7)

(Welcome to the ongoing serialisation of Kirk Sandblaster: Space Adventurer, the first in the Kirk Sandblaster series of sci-fi comedy books. In these tales, we follow cock-sure Kirk Sandblaster as he travel the Universe looking for adventure with his alien side-kick, Xlaar.

You can buy the whole book – and the series so far – through AmazonLulu – OJ)

 

On the good ship Bounty, patiently followed by the Ghurian pirate ship that was being enthralled by Navi’s tales, Kirk Sandblaster looked over at Xlaar with an expression that glowed with optimism. Xlaar had seen this look before, and knew it never ended well. In fact the statistical probability of it ending well had fallen so badly it was now in negative figures. Essentially, Sandblaster’s “look of confidence” had defied the laws of numeracy and statistics.

It was that bad a look.

“Wait till they hear about our heroic fighting skills,” Sandblaster whispered with a chuckle, “then they’ll be absolutely terrified!”

“Xlaar sighed and dusted off his gloves. “You don’t remember the fight do you?”

“I remember we left with our heads held high.”

Xlaar smiled broadly across his two faces.

“There was a reason for that.”

Continue reading Kirk Sandblaster: Space Adventurer (Part 7)

Interview: Too Many Words podcast

“Abortions for all!”

Oli returns to the brilliant writing podcast Too Many Words, something he has appeared on quite a few times before. This time, as well as iced buns and Simpsons quotes, he & Jayme talk plotting, analyzing TV shows, and problematic artists.

Listen on Stitcher, iTunes, Spotify, and Google Play, and like Too Many Words on Facebook & Twitter.

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Kirk Sandblaster: Space Adventurer (Part 6)

(Welcome to the ongoing serialisation of Kirk Sandblaster: Space Adventurer, the first in the Kirk Sandblaster series of sci-fi comedy books. In these tales, we follow cock-sure Kirk Sandblaster as he travel the Universe looking for adventure with his alien side-kick, Xlaar.

You can buy the whole book – and the series so far – through AmazonLulu – OJ)

 

Frexia had its fair share of renegades who could help Kirk Sandblaster pilot a ship to the Outer Quadrants and beyond; despite the fact there was nothing actually beyond the Outer Quadrants. It was why they were called the Outer Quadrants. They were pretty much as far as space could go without going completely insane.

Or so Mad Bellax of Collia once said. But then all Collians were slightly mad.

There was no doubt that Sandblaster could buy one for cheap to boot. The wretched hive that existed within Frexia’s many Terraforms all lusted after the sweet embrace of a handful of Tetras, and right now he had more than that. The question was, were they competent? Trustworthy? The kind of being you could count on when the chips were down and your chews were salted to within an inch of their taste? Continue reading Kirk Sandblaster: Space Adventurer (Part 6)